bodily awareness

I’ve got this one stim that I think helps me to center my awareness of my body. I rub my thumb and pointer finger together on my right hand and hold it just under my nose. I’ve been doing it for longer than I can remember, and right now is no exception. I like the smoothness of the rubbing sensation, so much that my pointer finger has a permanent callus from the repeated motion. I hold it close to my face because part of the experience is the smell; usually some combination of an oily iron or coppery smell mixed with the smell of tobacco smoke from my cigarettes.

My head feels cloudy and unfocused. That’s a feeling that commonly stresses me out, because it’s not always a feeling I can trust myself to work through. I know what I need to be doing, work wise, but I feel detached from a sense of passion and motivation.

I can feel my lungs fill up with smoke, which is complicated to be mindful of; the addict in me is full of satisfaction despite my awareness of its adverse consequences on my health. Additionally, because of the accident, I’ve been feeling chest pain around my lower right rib cage that is triggered any time I breathe deeply enough, including inhaling a drag from my cigarette.

I feel the warmth of my coffee on my tongue and as it travels down my throat; it soothes the harshness of the smoke so I take turns inhaling and sipping.

I feel the tightness of my watch around my wrist, and the metal clasp that digs into my skin as it rests on top of the computer. Wearing it is a weight that I’ve come to find comfort in; I feel secure knowing it’s there.

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