I don’t know if this is what I want to be writing right now, but I’ve been thinking about you this past week so this is what I’m doing now.
Every so often I check your facebook profile to see if you’re still making music and performing shows. I have little doubts that you will be, but I like knowing for sure. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t immediately feel salty about your latest post, since it felt like an intentional public jab, but I haven’t really dwelled in it since. I’m proud and happy to know that you feel like you’re making the music you want to make, and living your best artistic life as possible.
Which, brings me to another thing, sorry about that thing I wrote you last march. I was having a weird salty moment, I’ll even admit, borderline vengeful, and I wanted to reach out to you in a more appropriate and healthy way, but it turned into something kind of mean instead, and for that I’m very sorry. I still have my salty moments, which, I think everyone does, and I’m sure you do too, but in recent months I’ve started to laugh about it again; the salty and petty impulses, the roller coaster highs, the dramatic exits and entrances. Don’t get me wrong, much of that behavior was wildly unhealthy on both ends, but it also set me up to really think more deeply about how to create healthier and more sustainable romantic and/or platonic partnerships; consequently, being able to tangibly see the benefit of that reflection in practice within my relationships has allowed me to heal from our mutually inflicted damage, damage inflicted by my relationship with S, and damage that was sustained to my relationship with myself.
I don’t really know how this message will be received, if it is received at all. I don’t know where my desire to reach out to you comes from sometimes, because I don’t want or need anything from you, and I definitely don’t want to be your friend. No offense. But, you were an important human in my life at one point, and you will always retain that importance in that moment for me, and so I’m always going to care about your well being and wish the best for you. Unhealthy or not, I’m still grateful to have known you.
Yours, but really not,